No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*