The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
m’lady
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.