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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*