ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If a snake ate a cake
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.