I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
awkward
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children