I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.