My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Don’t tell me what to do
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed