Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Monday Lisa
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ugh not again
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄