You Might Also Like
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”