Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.