My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The booster protects against what, now?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.