[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
buys donuts instead
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.