I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.