I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..