Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
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Erm I’m gonna say no
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.