Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
All set.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
#parenting
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
remember
only for emergencies
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.