I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure