I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
それは草
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.