Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
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What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
🔦🌙👣
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings