Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
welp
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.