Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Camping tip: No.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
incredible book dedication
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!