[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
yeah no that’s fair
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.