My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
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[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Hey I worked for it too!
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Hard not to take this personally
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.