I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice