Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
How funny!
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.