Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.