no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?