I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
You Might Also Like
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
This classic never gets old . . .
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”