[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Can Happiness buy money?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”