I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
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I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached