Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
You Might Also Like
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.