If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You Might Also Like
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I think they could have phrased this better
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild