The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.