[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
*gets down on one knee*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”