If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
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Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
A flock of dads is called a grill.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.