*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.