god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I just tested negative for patience.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My apathy is at an all time whatever.