Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
A fake ID that makes you younger
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.