*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
o shit
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden