Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
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A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I need to update my racial profile.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
i want to work in this restaurant
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly