Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.