[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Note to self: always read the final line
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
You sure about that?
all that yoga finally paid off
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom