How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
My life in a nutshell
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
asking santa clause for nudes
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!