Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.