Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.