30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What about second breakfast?
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.