If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My Plans 2020
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?