you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.