I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.