I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Cinematography is my passion
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.